May 07, 2003 | 1:30 am
the nerve of that boy.

i know i've been a complete bitch lately, but i thought we talked about it. i told him i hadn't been able to eat and had purged everything i'd eaten for the past couple days. i told him i was very stressed out with my grades. i told him i didn't know what to do about my living situation, and that i was worried about being able to pay for everything. i told him, like all other times i become extremely stressed, that james was on my mind constantly and that i was scared of going into a deep depression again.

i asked him to be patient with me, to realize that i'm super sensitive right now. he said he would try his hardest. he said a lot of things.

he said he was going to come over after he got off of work at five. then he calls with this list of things he needs to do. i figure that since i've put him through hell lately i'll tell him to just come over when he's done with everything and that i could wait on him. what time should i expect him, though? i planned on having dinner ready.

he said he'd call me back and let me know what time he would come over. i waited for him to call, and when he didn't, i decided to ring him. he didn't answer my call.

and then he calls me - at seven. i was kind of upset - why didn't he call back to atleast tell me what time to have dinner ready? but i was overlooking it because i didn't want to argue with him.

he told me eight. he had been talking to his dear mother (who, by the way, is convinced that i am from hell and will eat her son alive. i don't have a much higher opinion of her. the only good thing about her, in my opinion, is her son) and then needed to run a few errands. so eight, he said, and i was okay with that. i had to study anyway.

but of course i didn't study, and i became more preoccupied with making sure dinner was ready when he got here and everything was okay. i wanted us to have a normal encounter seeing as the one we experienced yesterday was slightly stressful for us both.

he got here about fifteen minutes early and helped me in the kitchen. he didn't have much to say, but i figured we would talk a little more when we sat down for dinner.

which was excellent, especially since i hadn't eaten anything and kept it in my stomach for more than seventy-two hours. we ate rigatoni with chicken and white cheese sauce. i had a salad.

he didn't say a word. eventually, after feeling like i was doing nothing but irritate him, i gave up. at one point i started to tell him something and he caught me in the middle and asked me a question that started with, "no, i asked you..." needless to say, my feelings ached, but i was trying to make this a nice visit so i didn't shine too much light on the situation.

he took a shower while i studied. when he got out, he took out his books to study with me. he has exams this week.

he looked over his things for about fifteen minutes and walked off. i assumed he went to my bedroom to "chill out" like he said he needed to do. (what does that actually mean, anyway? why say "chill out" if you mean "be alone" or simply "be away from YOU"? why not be completely and brutally honest?) he was actually behind me the whole time playing with my cat. it was nice - him paying attention to her. i really do love that he always plays with her. it was not nice, however, that he paid tequila more attention than he did me. i could even get over that, though. really.

and then he sat down and said he was going to leave. by this time it was ten. i asked him what the tension was between us and the only explination he could offer was that he was tired. i induced a conversation that lasted for about ten minutes solid (the most i had talked to him all day) and then we stare at each other for a long time. i tell him to go. if he wanted to leave and go to his friend's house, i was going to let him leave. asking him to stay wouldn't change the fact that he WANTED to leave.

so he gets up to leave at 10:30. we hug and he gives me these closed mouth kisses. in attempt to get him to relax a little bit, i ask him why he won't kiss me. he says, "i just did" but what he doesn't understand is that if i don't feel his heart in his kiss, why am i kissing him?

he leaves, even taking the hat i asked him to leave at my house. little things - nothing to be upset about, but just enough to question. he goes to his friend's house and an hour later i call.

because i thought he was tired, you know. i thought he would be home if he was too tired to have a positive interaction with his girlfriend. he couldn't say ten words in a row because of this severe exhaustion, but he had no problem going over there.

so i question him about it. i inform him that sure, my feelings are somewhat hurt that he left here to go there, but that i know he needs to spend time with his friends. i told him i was most upset that the whole time he was here he was complaining about how tired he was yet he stayed over there for so long. i eventually told him to let me go because i didn't want to spend my time being irritated with him and i needed to read for my exam tomorrow.

and i haven't heard from him since. i thought, especially since the wreck, that it was important to him to make sure that we were both home safe at the end of the night. when i work i call him when i get in, even if i don't come home until five in the morning. and if i don't call? i'm suspected of cheating and anything else he can come up with in his mind.

so what just happened here?

and now he thinks he wants to move in?

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006