i'm naked inside my fear

May 04, 2003 | 12:37 pm
i don't know why i do this to myself.

i sit here, alone, and listen to this music. it's not even sad, it just provokes so many emotions in me. these songs are the ones i drew out the lyrics to when i was thirteen. the ones i had on a tape in a certain order that i knew by heart.

and i add some new ones. there are some new songs that aren't necessarily sad that bring a lot to mind. it's like mindful listening, that's all.

that's what i tell myself. but i'm starting to think it makes me depressed.

see, because the words talk to me.

"Scars are souvenirs you never lose/ the past is never far/ did you lose yourself somewhere out there/ did you get to be a star/ don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are... I think about you all the time/ but I don't need the same/ It's lonely where you are come back down/ and I won't tell 'em your name"

and i wonder what it was about when it was written, but at the same time, i don't want to know. i don't want it to turn me away from what i feel it means to me. those emotions that are so deep down can only be evoked by what i think this song is about.

he's in Heaven, i hope. and he has his mom. i don't think he's lonely.

and "scars are souvenirs you never lose/ The past is never far" -- as much as i wish i could change the past, i cannot. i look at my hands, my arms -- i see memories of pain i inflected upon myself in attempt to feel the pain my little james felt. it was impossible. they thought i had gone over the edge, that i was crazy.

i didn't always want to die. it wasn't always about that. sometimes, yeah, that was the intent. but sometimes i just wanted to hurt. i felt so numb and i couldn't cry or express myself, so i did what i could to bring a tear.

and that was so long ago. i'm twenty now. that was so very long ago. but still, when i hear these songs, it comes back. it all comes back, and i'm thankful for these songs that evoke these memories.

because i'm so scared that one day i'll forget.

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