i'm naked inside my fear

July 27, 2002 | 6:20 p.m.
Wow.

As soon as I think I'm okay with the way things are, I'm not.

Brian thinks I want to hook up with his friends.

The thing is, not only do I not want to hook up with his friends, I don't even want to hook up with my friends, or random boys at all. I don't want to hook up with anyone!

I'd so anything to bring things back to the way they were, laid-back casual dating but with what I thought was trust to not run off and do something like that.

When he told me, I cried. We talked about it, and I was okay, but right before we got off the phone, I started crying about it again. When I hung up the phone, I burst into tears and all I could think was that it probably didn't phase him one bit.

I don't know if he could tell I was crying because I was so hoarse and I had just woken up, which didn't help. I wouldn't care if he knew, though.

I have him the address for this site but I don't think he's ever going to read it. That was the scariest thing I'd ever done, and then he says, "you don't want to give me this" but I did, and I think evenually I'll work up the nerve to tell him that I do really want him to come read.

I wrote a piece of poetry today for the first time since the whole james/andrya era.

I'm pretty exhausted. I came here to get the new key (change of locks) and wash laundry, but after talking to Brian about Tim, I was so disoriented that I left all my laundry in my apartment. When I got to my car and realized it, I decided that I was too pathetic to go back and get it and that I'd just do it later. The basket is full but I have enough to wear for the next month, so I should be okay.

laura

"you'll never know how much i care because i'll probably never tell you"

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