i'm naked inside my fear

July 26, 2002 | 8:55 p.m.
So, we talked, and he doesn't want to see me anymore. What can I do? Nothing.

The thing is, although it wasn't serious, I was happy with him. I have yet to meet someone as mature and considerate as he is.

I did cry, though, and then I realized that I was crying because I was crying over him. I didn't think I could care for someone else so much and it almost made me feel human again.

Since I don't lately.

He said we have been fighting a lot and I know it's true. What he doesn't realize is that every day of my life is a fight and the only reason he saw any of that was because I trusted him.

I don't blame him for wanting out, though. And I respect him so much. The only thing I was upset about was that he was scared to be forward about it to me - I have always tried to be forward with him about things in hopes that he'd be that way with me.

We ate at The Chimes for his, Jamie, Michael's last day at work (and Tim, too, and since they're all leaving town) and he asked me to sit by him. I was really surprised, but happy too.

I ended up sitting across from him because of the way the tables were set up. It's hard to seat 27 people in a place like The Chimes.

We ate and talked some and although it was uncomfortable at first, had an altogether nice time.

When it was time to leave he asked if he could call me, and I said of course, because of course I want to talk to him. Just because he said he doesn't think we should date doesn't mean I don't like spending time with him. I wonder if he was just asking because he felt like he had to. He told me he wanted to come spend some time with me before he left for good and I said okay.

It's not like he's moving across the fucking world, it's just an hour away. I hate good-byes.

So he brought Tim home, and I went to get Tim a good-bye card and then I brought it by his house. Tim asked me what the deal was (I told him something was up) and I told him. All I could say was "oh well, it just sucks" because -- it does, but what can I do? How can I make him like me if I don't even like myself? And he is right, and I know it. So then I said "silly boy" and Tim's roommate said "no, he's a stupid fuck" because I think he felt like he had to make me feel better.

I don't even know his name, I never can remember it.

I brought Tim M&Ms and he seemed really pleased. I think if someone brought me M&Ms I would cry.

I think what I'll miss most is his smile - no matter how I was feeling, one smile from him made me feel just a little bit better. That boy had a way of cheering me up without even saying a word. I can't say that about many people.

It's not often that I fall, but I did. I don't have any regrets about it, though, but I do wish we had more time.

*I* think we do, but I won't even try to change his mind. He's probably right anyway.

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