December 23, 2003 | 9:50 pm
i sit amongst these momentos i've saved throughout the years: cards from friends, letters, pictures, journals, and poems.

i find notes and cards from laura t. and camila and i flip through my diary from the days after the deaths of james and andrya. i've found pictures of my closest friend in middle/high school, mittie, and i have cards from my brother jonathan's college girlfriend, jill and from my mother -- "i love you like you're my own sister" and "it makes me happy to see you so happy in the mornings." i have stories and poems written by my close friend lauren underwood that bring tears to my eyes.

and i think only of things lost.

James, Andrya, Laura -- all dead. jill has moved away and married. camila, mittie, lauren u -- they all have their lives. they've moved on. everyone has moved on.

suddenly, more than ever, it seems like everyone has changed except for myself. in some ways i feel i have changed so much, even since the beginning of this diary, but when i reread my diary entries i find that i am still struggling with those same things i struggled with at thirteen.

i hated my body then and started actively trying to lose weight at age fourteen. i look at these pictures and i think to myself, i was fucking beautiful then! and i don't know what the fuck was going on in my head to make me think otherwise.

i read a card from laura that says, "merry christmas -- i've been dying to see you..." and i wonder if at that point in her life god had already chosen for her to die.

when i read love notes from girlfriends i wonder if i will ever again have that companionship -- that "love you like a family" belonging that i had then.

it's often said that in college, young twenty-somethings form relationships and bonds that last a lifetime. is this passing my by? what am i missing here? why do i feel like i am leaving for florida in july and leaving nothing behind?

and to think of all this hurt from me -- the girl with it all.

just another wakeup call. the things i have are superficial.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006