i'm naked inside my fear

January 09, 2003 | 1:04 pm
my mood keeps going all fucking up and down. i still hate my life, don't get me wrong.

the sick this is, as i was sitting in the dentist's chair yesterday being probed and drilled and poked and hurt, i thought of how nice it would be to go to the pharmacy, buy a bottle of tylenol pm and down it without a second thought. my heart actually raced at the idea; i was pumped up. and then i thought if i didn't go through with it i'd miss work, i'd break jake's heart, i'd be in a rehabilitation hospital. if i made it through i'd suffer more pain and hell than i ever have before.

by the time i left the dentist's office i'd forgotten all about it. then i kept feeling like i forgot something when i was running errands before my hair appointment... "oh yeah, i've got to go to the pharmacy"

it was chilling to think that for no aparent reason i contemplated suicide in the flourescent lighting of the dentist office. no reason whatsoever.

because sure, when i was younger i wanted to die to meet my friends in heaven. i wanted to die because i couldn't make it through a morning without breaking down into a fit of angry tears or making myself bleed. i wanted to die because that seemed to be the only logical thing for me to do at that point in time.

but now? and what's sick is that i thought of how people wouldn't recognize me with my new hair color... people would see me in the casket and they wouldn't have ever seen my hair all of these colors when i was alive.

thinking about it now makes me harden. it doesn't make me emotional, it doesn't bring a tear, it makes me feel nothing.

because if i can think of killing myself when i have all of these things going for me, what am i going to do when they go away?

before | after