i'm naked inside my fear

January 09, 2003 | 1:40 am
surprised to find out brian still visits this site occasionally.

in other news, went to the dentist today. three shots of novicane and two fillings later, i was ready to go. went to the salon and got my hair cut and dyed two shades of brown, one shade of red and one shade of blonde. very nice; like it a lot.

better have been worth it... it only put me $140 in the hole!!! (yeah, i was amazed, but this stylist is next to God)

spent the evening trying to convince jake to run away to alaska with me. alaska was actually his idea, i just said "anywhere but here"... and then decided canada would be a good place to hide out.

and then i told him i was serious, that i needed out of this life and i had to get out of this place. he asked why and i didn't know how to explain it other than stating that depression will wear you down to nothing, and when you DO feel something you want to grasp it and run away from all of the terrible things.

and in the brief moments i spend with jake i feel normal, which makes me feel happy. i don't feel like swallowing a bottle of valium or driving my car off of a bridge. i feel like... sitting and watching a movie, laying in bed, kissing under the stars... i want those normal things when i'm with him. so i told him i'd have to grab him and take him far away.

because you know, that's only normal, right?

before | after