November 09, 2003 | 1:55 pm
i don't know what changed when i fell upon that site.

the thing is, i was searching for someone else. i was so intent that i paid the $5 membership for two months so i could search.

instead of finding what i was looking for, i found so much more.

i don't even know how old we were when we met. she was everything opposite of me - dark hair, naturally tanned, exquisite. she had been all around the globe and we couldn't have been but in kindergarten or first grade.

i took to her like i did so easily back then. not that i had so many secrets to tell, but i told them. we played in the playground and sat together in school and on weekends went to the pool at her apartment complex with her older sister. (i can remember one day when we were angry with her for not wanting to hang out with us at the pool and we called her fat. she cried and cried, and of course, she was not fat in any way. i would do anything to have not said those words that day) i can remember being scared going through the woods that were behind her back door. they're surely gone now.

as are most things. many fond memories i had growing up, camila was a big part in.

my first noteable impression: seeing her name on her cubby. "CAMILA" it read, but *I*, being in young age, read it as "cinderella". and i could read then, i know, but i think cinderella was what i wanted it to be. little did i know that my little cinderella was from chile, and she was, indeed, the girl i became so close to.

my last noteable memory was visiting the hospital after being informed that camila had been in a car accident and might need surgery. this was after we'd gone to different schools and formed different social groups. at the young age of 13 i knew i had made a mistake in not keeping her close to me. from her accident i read the message, "don't let go of this girl or you'll lose her" and i thought at the time things would all fall into place and we could go back to the playground and be best friends again.

which obviously didn't happen. we kept in touch over the phone lines for a while and then through instant messenger and email. so much for staying close to a girl that lives ten miles away from you.

and the guilt plagued me when i ran into her in college and realized that i didn't even know she was attending the same one. i cried after i ran into her mother in a store across town when she was getting her cell phone repaired. "camila wants to move in with some friends but doesn't know if she'll be able to keep her grades up if she does."

and i can remember thinking, she's got her life planned out, she has her boyfriend and close friends and school and grades and that's all she needs. she doesn't need someone like me, with enough emotional baggage to fill up a room. she has her life.

and i have mine. and i'm sure that's the attitude that kept us from being friends throughout high school. i guess that's why i wasn't invited to her high school graduation, or she to mine.

so as i searched i saw "camberry" and i don't know if i should have but i clicked. i figured i'd get a glimpse into her life, and i did, but it was more than i expected.

so i'm contacting her, in hopes that she'll talk, in hopes that we can be friends and understand each other more on this new level. i hope that she'll read this and she won't be upset or angry that i saw her diary. even though it's open for the public, i know i was upset when my older brother read through mine.

i let her go before and i don't want to do it again.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006