i'm naked inside my fear

August 09, 2003 | 6:31 pm
so it's over with the boy and i'm seeing someone new. it's nice, but it's sort of strange too.

every so often i feel like i'm someone else's girlfriend. when i'm with him and things are good i feel like there's something else keeping us apart. something keeping me from having a good time. it's not so often, but when it does happen it's not a great feeling. that's when it hits me that all the time i've invested has been wasted, all the building intimacy and all of that other relationship bullshit i never believed in before jake was for nothing.

it's not that i'm not over him because i don't think about him. when i am forced to have him on my mind, it's not pretty.

i will survive, this is true, but i'm so very confused. i need not know what happened wrong to FIX it, but i'd like to know to keep whatever it was from happening again.

i know there are things i could have handled more maturely and i know there were times i should have just listened to what he had to say. i know i hurt his feelings when i'd leave and disappear to a bar during a fight. i know i had this amazing power over him and that i let him down like everyone else, but at the same time, i know i treated him like gold and that i gave him the world.

i just don't know if i could do that again. for anyone. but i'll try.

before | after