i'm naked inside my fear

August 03, 2003 | 8:46 pm
everything that's good comes to an end.

and then it makes you wonder how good it really was. this questioning leads to constant reevaulation of the relationship (or series of events, per se) and suddenly it was not all that good at all. suddenly you realize you're stuck in this THING and maybe you didn't want to get out the way you did, but it feels good to breathe again.

for a little while. i know better than to talk to him right now because it won't make either of us happy. we can't make each other happy for the moment and it's not worth wasting the time to try. i thought i could, but now i wonder how much of it was a personal goal for me instead of a goal for the relationship. after all the people i treat so poorly, could i treat someone well? and for a long period of time?

and i did, for so long, but after a while i quit trying to reason and started withdrawing. instead of talking it out i'd leave and ignore it, until next time. i'd usually proceed to get drunk beyond all inhibition and eventually apologize although i knew it wasn't my apology to make.

i'm sorry i have a fucking job that requires me to pay attention to more than one person at a time. no one else seems to care.

and then i realized, all of the sudden, how young he is. and that's why we had these problems in the first place.

fuck it. pick up and move on. it's not my style to worry about it.

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