i'm naked inside my fear

February 11, 2003 | 7:21 am
new toy...

digital video camera. it's a wonderful thing.

i found myself seeing so many beautiful things that i wanted to capture. a lot of them are with jake, or are things that jake shows me that i haven't seen before. i want to remember every moment, every breath, every second. i feel sorta american-beautyish, but in a way, that's what it is. i want to capture all that is good.

i'm going to have an episode soon. i feel the wave coming in. i feel myself gasping for air and i don't know what to do.

i'm going to see dr. trask today. i've been so anxious i haven't been able to sleep. i closed my eyes around 2:00am and woke up on my own at 6:30.

and god KNOWS it isn't because i've had too much sleep.

i'll find out if i got the bartending job at r0t0los tomorrow afternoon. i think that would be good for me... keep me busy. i'd like to quit working for barton only because i don't feel comfortable around brent. barton talked to danielle but has yet to speak with me about the situation. i can't handle going into work in such a tense environment.

and if i DO work at r0t0los, i can get out of there. i can take what is left of me and get the fuck out of there.

as for now, i've got english homework to do before class. seeing as how i didn't attend last week, i didn't find out the assignment until 12:45am. at that point, although i was awake, i was worthless and knew better than to attempt the assignment then.

jake is wonderful.

before | after