i'm naked inside my fear

February 08, 2003 | 3:19 am
i know my entries have been short and not well thought out lately. i know i've only sent a few rants out there and bitched about a few things. i know this, and what is done cannot be changed.

i feel like all of these things have passed by lately and i've missed out. the strange thing is that i don't really care. is this part of the depression?

it's strange because when i'm with jake i feel manic... suddenly life is not only okay but it's wonderful. i'm in the arms of someone who cares for me and it doesn't matter that i have two hundred things i fear. when he leaves i'm still in that awe-struck mode. sometimes i find myself stuck in that mode all day.

but everything else? i don't care about it. i find it hard to concentrate in school, i have little motivation to go to work (although the bills that will pile up help me actually get there) and i haven't touched base with any of my friends in what seems like weeks.

don't get me wrong. i'm happy, some of the time.

what scares me about jake is that he DOES make me happy. that's great and all, but this is sure to end eventually, right? what can last forever?

and when it ends, i'll be even more helpless. it's easy to get used to depression, but when someone shines a little ray of happiness to interrupt, you begin to depend on that happiness.

what will i do when it goes away?

break again? is that possible, even?

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