i'm naked inside my fear

January 06, 2003 | 7:22 am
january 6th. six days into the new year. and for what? last year fucking blew.

jen told me to be careful with jake. she said, "you'd better be careful with that young boy - you're going to end up actually caring for him when you can't be with him" and even at that point, so long ago, i wanted to tell her it was too late; i've always cared for him but would never allow it, and now, when it's most impossible i become tangled up in him.

i talked to him last night right before i went to sleep, and after saying how lazy i was yesterday, i mentioned that i spent the entire day in pajamas. i then stated that i would like to spend the rest of my life in pajamas, but that i feared that was bad (sloth comes to mind...) but he didn't say much... and then my phone said, "new message" (yes, it talks to me) and i had a text from young boy saying (and i quote) "that's okay because you are sexy in your pajamas" crude, yet surprising... this is the boy that wants no physical relationship with me unless it is going to "mean something" to me. his text reminded me that he is a boy and he probably does have hormones but won't act on them because he cares about me. weird, isn't it?

so besides throwing me off, he was sweet. when i got off the phone to go to sleep he texted me with "i wish i was there holding you" and i didn't know whether i should puke or be happy. i was neither and i went to sleep.

andy and i went running at 5:45am (hence the entry before 8:00am, my normal waking hour) and i froze in my tshirt and shorts. when i got back to my car i didn't think i had hands.

before | after