i'm naked inside my fear

January 03, 2003 | 4:54 pm
the end of another long week. i worked 32 hours for barton this week (and having one day off for a holiday, that's four eight hour days) and tonight i work at b@r-t's.

exciting, yes. this i know.

i'm just ready for this week to be over. i haven't been to see vivian in a couple weeks now and frankly, i don't care. that's the bad thing about depression - sometimes you want to recover, but most of the time you just don't give a flying fuck.

so i got a ticket on the interstate and i lost my license. as of right now i have a temporary license and i have a court date of february 20, 2002. i already know the fine is going to be around $400 and i may or may not get to keep my license after that. brent burley said he would represent me (maybe he feels guilty for offering me money to go home with him... or maybe he's just into pro-bono for young females) and he told me today that they might suspend my license for 6 months. i could have gone to jail for this ticket (30+ over, and i'm not about to TELL how fast i was really going...) so if anything, i feel fortunate. still, though. didn't i just get my license back in may?

yeah, that's what i thought. and what did i tell the cop?

"why are you going ___mph?" -- "i'm a jackass. i have absolutly no reason whatsoever"

because, yeah, that's the fucking truth. he said something about the trees on the side of the interstate not being so forgiving if i hit them, and i said, "what does it matter, anyway?"

because that's the deal. go ahead and think i'm an asshole, okay. think i'm a daredevil, cool. i'm not showing off for anyone; i'm not. i couldn't give a fuck less.

i just don't CARE if i wrap my car around a tree, i don't care if i get into a fatal car accident. frankly, being a vegetable for the rest of my life wouldn't bother me much either.

atleast i wouldn't have to live with myself.

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