i'm naked inside my fear

December 06, 2002 | 1:35 pm
vivian was very impressed by my going on a date with chris. she said that it was a huge step for me. it was, i know it was, and it scared the shit out of me. nevermind that i didn't eat for 36 hours before we had dinner and went out drinking with andy afterwards. that's beside the point, right? the point is, i went on a date and she was pleased.

i saw the psychologist today; i thought his name was trist but it's trast. he said some things i may or may not be able to come to terms with. it's a hard pill to swallow, you know?

all i know is that i can't drink, at ALL, for a very long time. nevermind eggnog or christmas parties or jen's birthday party or even new years. nevermind that i'm a bartender and serve people three nights a week all the alcohol they're willing to pay for.

i can't. i can't drink, it will fuck with me too much, and i need to do this without that. that was one of the things trast told me, and i've got to have the strength to stay completly away.

i can't eat today, though. i'm too upset. i couldn't even stay at work more than ten minutes.

i have become this alienated person that even i don't know and i don't know what to do with myself.

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