i'm naked inside my fear

December 07, 2002 | 1:09 pm
i couldn't breathe in the bar last night, so i left. nothing with the air, just with me. there were too many people and too many of them were talking to me and all i could do was struggle for a breath until eventually i burst into tears.

i tried to stay, i did. i could have used the extra money. i tried to sit in the office and shake it off, but nothing gave me relief. and i couldn't just take a shot or have a bloody mary to take the edge off.

so i went to jimmy's, one big bundle of tears, and collapsed on his bed while he pampered me until i felt semi-normal again. for the first twenty or so minutes i didn't even feel him rubbing my back or playing with my hair. i was covered in blankets but i was so cold, and i didn't realize i was shaking until he pointed it out to me. i cried until i could cry no more, and decided i wanted to come home and sleep in my own bed.

it was so difficult to face everyone when i left his room. i had interrupted a party, after all. my friends didn't know what to think or do, and most just stared.

like i'm some kind of freak or something. maybe i am.

so i walked in the door and jen was worried because i was home early. after all, i was supposed to work two eight hour shifts today and all i worked was maybe an hour of both. how do you tell that to your boss?

"staying here is killing what is left of me"

i don't know what i said, but i said i had to go. i said i thought i was breaking down, i was losing it, and i couldn't breathe. i said i couldn't be with those people, i couldn't look in their faces, i couldn't do my job. so i was granted permission to leave.

all i could stomach was a bowl of grits and a couple slices of bread yesterday, and even then i thought i was going to explode. while i was at the pharmacy this morning i felt the overwhelming need to vomit, and then felt panic because i didn't know where i would go if i had to.

the last time i've eaten a meal was wednesday, and only then because chris took me to eat. before then i hadn't eaten a bite since monday.

i feel comatose -- a stranger within my own skin. i feel helpless and needy and scared because when jen is gone in a couple weeks, i'll be all alone again.

before | after