i'm naked inside my fear

September 23, 2002 | 11:06 am
I've decided what's been wrong with me lately.

I don't know how easy this is going to be (due to the high volume of readers that see me on an every day basis) but...

This is for me, not for them, and it's something I need to come to terms with.

Nothing moves me anymore.

And it's not that I'm depressed, or, atleast I don't think I'm depressed. I've BEEN depressed, and it's not so much like that.

It's just that nothing moves me. Nothing inspires me, nothing gives me "hope" (not that I feel hopeLESS, I just feel.. here) and I lack that drive that was the only thing that kept me going.

I don't have desire to go to school, to go to work, most days I don't have much desire to run (although I do because I'm committed to that one thing) - no desire to do anything with myself, to have fun or be bored, to be with friends or be alone.

As far as my always messed up eating habits go, I have no desire to eat or starve myself, or even be inbetween. I have no metabolism at this point, and surely my body holds on to everything I put in my mouth. Some days I eat -- not from hunger but more from biological need; and some days I don't -- not from self-hatred, etc., but.. just because. Because I don't feel like it, i don't want to, and it doesn't matter.

Don't get me wrong. Things still make me feel happy. Certain people can make me smile and laugh (although they are often the same people that make me sad...)

I'm not miserable, I'm just.. normal. Is this normal? I struggle to believe my everyday feelings are the same as the person next to me. I'd like to think that most people have a better life than this gray...

The headaches have had me in a constant blur these past weeks -- I can't do much but sleep and everyday I struggle to get out of bed. I was once someone who woke up Saturday morning (yes, after drinking) at 9am; now I'll sleep as late as 6:30pm if there is nothing to wake me up.

The responsibilities I have (school, work, running) are left behind, and for what?

Sleep?

I have little desire to belong, or not belong - either way, I'm okay. I'm neither irritated when I have a visitor or unhappy when I don't. I feel involved but completly withdrawn from this world at the same time.

I don't care, though. I want to quit my job and drop to part-time and suffer alone. Am I suffering? Is that what this is?

Because I sure have been through hell's fires before, and it was much much worse than this.

So what exactly is going on?

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