i'm naked inside my fear

September 22, 2002 | 11:52 am
I don't know what I want anymore.

And when faced with the question, I won't be able to answer. I know this, and I fear it.

I've always been a master at having myself together on the outside. When my insides tore and my heart burst, I forced a smile.

I used to be especially good at it, but throughout the years my body has worn down. Even right after James died, even though he was my best friend, I managed to be the shoulder everyone else cried on. I wanted to help -- I honestly believed that was my sole purpose in this world. "you're so strong" was commonly heard in my presence, but little did they know... that's what sent me here.

That was my first big break. No one knew where it came from, no one understood. It was not possible for this laura diane to have feelings too, to hurt and cry and be scared to death like everyone else.

but i was. i was scared to fucking death. it was just easier to deal with everyone else's feelings than to look at my own.

so i was a pro, but every hero has a downfall, and that was mine.

but it only took so long until something else happened and i took everyone's problems under my wing again.

see, i couldn't make myself happier, and i couldn't face my own problems... so that slight notion that i may one day help someone else feel just a little bit better - that made me feel good.

the point of all this past... i'm not good at it anymore. helping others has made me numb - i don't get that spark like i used to when i make someone smile.

and i've been too worn down to put up the facade i've lived.

so, what now?

before | after