i'm naked inside my fear

September 9, 2002 | 9:32 p.m.
I am going to kill the felines if they keep it up.

I got home from work around 6:00 and was feeling crappy so I went to sleep. I woke up at 8:30 to the frightening sound of my cell phone vibrating on wood and decided that I was going to go back to sleep.

This was not an idea accepted by the felines. Aside from walking all over my face and body, they thought it would be extra cute to run around my apartment in circles making as much noise as possible. How long would this go on? Until I got out of bed.

I had to make a few calls and by this time, they had calmed down some. I thought it was my lucky day and that I'd be able to get some sleep, but no, as SOON as I went back to bed, they started up again.

I've now decided that the older cat, Baby, exists on this planet to annoy the shit out of me. Well God, it's working. (Tequila is innocently sucked into this annoyance, and she's just a baby, so I can't blame her.)

I had a very graphical dream last night about James' death - it was the same nightmare i saw every time i closed my eyes for a year after he died. I'd walk into a house, and be drawn to a room, and then the closet, and then see him. Instead of looking like he would (and did in real life) I'd see normal James with a big sparkling smile on his face.

About a week ago I was on campus and I saw this girl that was completly beautiful, and for a second I thought it was Andrya - but after that second I realized Andrya didn't make it past thirteen and that I hadn't seen her since then.

Six fucking years.

Some of you may think I dwell on the past, but I don't. You'd be amazed how far I've come since then. And although I think of them every single day of my life, most thoughts are fond.

I usually see those ugly bad thoughts when things are v. stressful for me anyway - so basically, only at times when i'm so stressed that i can't deal with it anyway, and then it hangs over me like a dark cloud for weeks.

amazing how that works, huh?

tequila is being good again and maybe I can get her to lay down and go to sleep with me. if not, maybe i'll just open the door and let her wonder around the courtyard and see if she ever comes back.

I bet she would, though... she loves me so much.

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