September 7, 2002 | 9:52 a.m.
I just got back from a long run about 30 minutes ago and I actually feel good.

This may or may not be something you want to read. Make the decision now to click the X (or read on)...

This is the first time all week when I've actually wanted some company - someone to talk to and hang out and be in a good mood with. or maybe i just want someone to see me happy -- proof that it is still possible -- so when i get down again they can remind me that there are things that still make me feel good.

I do have a million things going for me, for the most part, and not as many to bring me down. For instance, I'll won't have to worry about money, probably EVER in my life (although I will) -- I'll be able to pay for law school in full, I'll only have to pay bills until then, and after I get out, I'll make enough to support atleast myself. I'm not even sure if I want children, so I wouldn't have that financial burden... basically, one of the things people worry about the most won't ever be a problem for me. And for this I should be grateful.

Every day (or, most days) I come closer to doing the one goal I've set for myself - running a marathon. My training is going well, I beat everyone today in the twelve mile run, and it's been said that if you can run half the marathon, you've got the whole thing if you just try. So, basically, I could do it if I needed to. (granted, it wouldn't be my best time, and it wouldn't be easy, but it is possible now)

I have a big support group of friends who love everything about me (even when I'm a complete bitch - thanks, y'all) and I've never had a problem with boys (aside from hating all of them, but you know, that's me, not them)...

My GPA isn't all fucked up like most beginning sophomores, and I actually know what I want to do with my life and my degree.

The list really could go on, but that's not the point. The point is, these things that I have backing me up aren't those obvious everyday things that keep most people going. It's not like I wake up in the morning and say, "i love my life!!" because if i did, i wouldn't be bitching and complaining all of the time.

So the bad points:

Tons of baggage. Because of this, it's very difficult for me to let new people in and be close to me, almost to the point that I refuse to become intimate in a relationship with anyone.

I've been through the co-dependent dating-relationship thing and never want to go back. because of that, i probably won't date anyone seriously until i get married (if i do get married, that is) -- I don't like depending on anyone for much of anything. The upside is that other people don't determine my mood, but the downside is that i have a really hard time asking for help (even when it's offered) The phrase "anything i can do to help you feel better?" (sound familiar to any of you?? because it SHOULD) is a nice thought, I guess, but anyone who knows me well (and maybe you just don't, and that's not your fault) knows that i'd have to be literally dying to say, "yeah..."

So, independence is good, but it sure makes things difficult and lonely sometimes.

In my adolescent psych class we were talking about ages 11-14 as being the time that an adol. decides who they are, builds character, foundation, etc. That's when I decided that I was robbed of that time, and maybe that's why I struggle with that so much now. From struggling with an ED at 12 to losing James and then Andrya at 13, moving out of my mom's house at 14, and then all the drugs, etc. 14-17, and then tim's death at 17... I've come to the conclusion that the cement in my foundation is all uneven. My faith in God was so strong until he allowed my best friend to kill himself and rob me of my innocence.. taking me away from friends and family for months at a time to "heal" (which only fucked me up more) -- I thought I fix it on my own, and I'm starting to have doubts. for so long, running could always improve my mood, and now God wants to take that from me too. He's presented me with so many things that I don't have time to recover from one before the next begins.

After all, didn't I go through this last semester? why again? why couldn't that "miracle" be the end of it?

I eat healthy, I exercise, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs.. why do I have to suffer this? What did I do to deserve this?

So, if I'm lucky I'll be able to run the marathon in January. Sadly, though, it depends on how these tests go.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, skip back about two weeks... remember when I didn't want to talk about the cat test results? I still don't.

My mood's down again. Too bad none of you got to see me it up...

Maybe I'll be happy next saturday.

Laura

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006