i'm naked inside my fear

June 23, 2002 | 8:27 p.m.
Oh, my. I can barely move my right leg - paiiiinnn..

I worked until about 5:15 and headed home... went to sleep almost as soon as I got to my room and soon enough Andy called to go walk - I'm a soldier :) OK I promise to never say that again. But it took a lot out of me to get up - and I only did b/c it was something that I had wanted to do and since Andy was counting on me, I knew I needed to. And once I got up and got going, I was okay. We walked the lakes and somewhere along the line my knee started bothering me - so pray for my knee that it makes it through the rest of this month - I still have about thirty more miles to accomplish my goal... and that won't be hard if I keep it up.

I got two emails from the marathon people and I'm excited, but scared. What if they all run 100x better than me and make me look foolish? What if my knee puts me in a bind and I can't run until the long run and then I look like an ass? what if I die from heat exhaustion that day and look stupid in front of all these runners and my trainer? Oh, the embarassment.

I ended up going back home and getting the poboy for Brian today and I hope he liked it. It would have been nice to hear from him but oh well... fuck it. I think the fact that I gave up about two weeks ago helps me not to care about anything that happens now. He'll be leaving soon anyway, and he's bound to disappear from my life then.

Tim seems to think he likes me a lot and will stick around. Silly Tim. Maybe he was trying to make me feel better since he pissed me off so bad Saturday night. I don't know.

So I'm at school and I should be doing homework but I thought I'd come in here and update and get some stuff off my chest...

I wonder when I'm going to be okay enough with myself to love someone else. or, accept someone's love. or both, even.

Maybe tomorrow.

I've been saying this for years - but tomorrow has come and gone...

I saw Dustin sunday and he sat in my car and listened to a song with me and smiled the whole time and seemed genuinly happy to be around me. Too bad he fucked up his life and almost took me with him. I forgive him, though.

I'm so fucking naive when I want to be.

Laura

"we know the pain our choices bring but yet we do this/ the cup we give ourselves to drink is only half of what we need"

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