i'm naked inside my fear

September 14, 2002 | 6:15 am
There are some subjects I avoid, for whatever reason (mainly the fresh readers, and how they're ALL friends of mine I see on a regular basis) but... I've decided this is MY outlet, so, call me what you want, that's fine. and be pissed at me, and come over and we'll have "those talks" that I'm numb to, and do everything you can do to help (which is.. nothing...) or, just listen, like a friend, and take it with a grain of salt.

This is who I am, accept it or not.

I have the power to change, I just don't want to.

Yet.

I only purge when I go back home. Because of that, I try to avoid my mom's house. I don't have the triggers here - I buy safe things and I am overall okay in my own setting.

But when I go home, the scene changes, I am suddenly not okay. We eat dinner together and I don't stick around.

Not that she doesn't know. She does, and it makes her so sad. But what can I do? I don't even really binge, and I'm not all that afraid of what she fixes for me. I think it's not knowing how it was prepared. I don't make it, so when I eat it, my mind races with all the terrible for me things that are surely thrown in and blended in somehow. This is a mindset I won't ever escape.

Overall, I'm in great health. I'm not one to restrict and restrict and restrict... I just don't eat a bunch of shit I don't need.

On a (slightly) lighter note, I'm scared to death of this run today. I woke up extra early and I have all this anxiety so I thought I'd try to write. Now I realize that it's probably not extra anxiety, it's probably adrenaline from not sleeping but three hours.

Three hours is NOT long enough to sleep for an 18 mile run. i am going to KILL myself, and it's going to hurt. And I am unimpressed.

I guess I'll take a shower. Maybe that will de-stress me some.

laura

before | after