i'm naked inside my fear

May 12, 2003 | 3:11 am
i wonder if i've spent all of my time complaining and not enough time being happy about the things i do have.

as many times as he distances himself from me, jake truly does care for me. sometimes i question if it's really love, but i am quite certain at this point that even if he is not IN love with me, he does love me.

i have a job where i am adored - as a bartender. both bars i'm employed at are popular places to hang out (they're in different cities) and i rarely have problems with customers. for the most part, although i'd rather be sitting at home on my couch, work isn't that bad. i enjoy most of the conversations i have and i have the chance to meet a lot of really cool people. they all, of course, love the bartender. that's always cool.

i'm doing terribly in school, but i've decided i could look at it two ways. if i lose my scholarship this year, at very least i will have had two of my years of college paid for. so even if i end up paying for the rest of my time in school, it's better than paying for all of it from the beginning. and if i lose it i'll be able to go part-time or sit out a semester and chill out a little bit. how nice would that be? god knows i need it....

i didn't have a wonderful day or anything. i worked for nine hours and i didn't make amazing amounts of money. nothing so wonderful or out of the ordinary happened tonight.

but when he held me in his arms my mood was lifted and all i could think of is how nothing's as terrible as it seems when you look at it in a different light.

before | after