October 12, 2002 | 3:46 pm
she's out of town; not that i could tell her to her face anyway. and i thought about leaving a letter with her mail, but this is the last thing i want her to face late sunday night when she gets back from her trip.

and besides, i'm weak. i'm weak because i can't face confrontation, even if it's not one of the bad sorts. i can't talk about this, or even bring it up without crying, and i know if i started crying i'd never get it all out.

not that i can tell her so much anyway, but i need to try. she is one of the few that will love me unconditionally.

and i think she knows (she HAS to know) but i don't think she knows how bad it is. i don't think anyone knows how bad it is. and not because they don't care to listen, because i don't care to tell. it's not normal, and it's not something that you can tell people about yourself.

"hi, i'm laura, and i have this problem..."

no, not that easy.

so i'm wimping out, and i'm not telling her to her face, or even in a letter. i'm sending her an email, one that she'll get when she's working and hopefully too busy to really think about. one that she can hit "reply" to and include the necessary information and put in the back of her mind for the rest of the day. and since i don't live with her, we won't have to have a talk about it when she gets home. and since i'm so busy, i'll probably miss her call and we won't talk about it for a while. that will give me time to think about what i have to say, and when (and if) i say it.

"mom, some days i don't eat. and some days i do - and when i do, i feel guilty and throw up. some days i'm too weak to do it, and i keep a bottle of ipecac in my bedroom just in case i need it. i hate it, though. it doesn't leave me feeling clean and pure like the normal purge does. and after i use it, i sleep and i can't do anything else for the rest of the day. i used to keep two bottles of ipecac in the kitchen to remind myself how much i hated using it in hopes that i wouldn't need to, but looking at the bottle only kept me sick. and now i have a roommate, so i had to nix that weird habit.

"some days i don't go to school or work because i can't get out of bed. i know i have to face the scale in the morning, and i don't think i can. those are the days that i don't run, sleep till 2pm, and lie around all day. sometimes i go to the gym on those days and force myself into the weight room, but not because i want to, because i feel like i have to.

"i know the caloric content of every little thing i put in my mouth. i don't WANT to sometimes, but i just do. i've never been good at math, but i sure can count how many calories i've eaten on a given day at any point in time. i make mistakes from time to time, and when i realize i've had more than i intended, i break. i can't show this weakness of mine to anyone else, though, which means i usually have to leave whatever activity i'm attending and go home to cry.

"because of this calorie counter, i hate to go out to eat. that's why i never go with you and jeff anymore; not because i don't like your company, because i don't know what i'm putting into my mouth. and at a restaurant, i can't run and purge. well, i guess i could.. but i'd rather not. i hate dates because they usually consist of dinner and a movie, and i get nervous not because of the actual date but because i have to go to dinner with someone who is going to be watching me eat. i've found that i can usually order soup -- i still have to eat a LITTLE of it, but it's hard to tell how much has been consumed, so i can eat as little as possible and be okay.

"i avoid activities because i dislike myself too much to let myself have fun. i avoid relationships because i dislike myself to the point that i don't see how others can like me. and i know this is not normal. i know these things don't go on in a normal person's life. this lifestyle used to keep me on top of things and happy, but now it won't even do that for me. and i need that - i need to be happy. please help. love, me"

but it won't be like that. it will be more like, "mom, what kind of mental health insurance do we have? i want to be in therapy again. i'll talk to you about it later. just please email me what i need to make an apointment as soon as possible. thanks, laura"

this is a lot more than i'd usually say in this diary, but i have a feeling it won't be of much shock to anyone who's read it. and if anything, i'm not crying right now because of me, i'm crying because of the people and family that i know will read this and hurt.

i try so hard to be happy for all of you because the things you've done for me have been so wonderful. how could i not be happy? it's not your fault, though. but at the same time, i don't think there is anything any of you can do for me. it's something that i have to do for myself, and i think i'm going to (finally) try.

because something needs to be done. and i'm doing it. wish me luck.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006