i'm naked inside my fear

October 25, 2002 | 12:37 am
I have hurt so many feelings lately. I'm so sorry. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, or everyone for that matter.

Sometimes I feel as if I need a permanent disclaimer tattoed on my forehead.

"I will fuck with you" it would say.

That would cover it all, I think.

Don't try to date me because I don't fall very often. It's all a game of hearts to me, whether I like it or not, and someone's bound to get hurt.

I don't like it being me, so I put a concrete wall around myself. and I will not let you in. the few that try only leave frustrated.

the very small population of people that I let within these walls only let me down.

I finally asked Dustin if he was getting married to Shasta. He hesitated, and then asked me if I had ever really planned on marrying him like I said I would. I told him I didn't know; had I really wanted to marry him or was I caught in the moment? Either way it didn't matter, I said, if he was marrying her.

Then he asked me if I would be with him. He'd drop it all and we'd try again and he'd show me all of the things he felt for me and give me all the things I deserved.

Instead of telling him "I can't be with you right now but if you feel that way, you shouldn't be getting married" I was frightened, picked up my broken heart, and left.

I wonder if he really does love me or if he loves the idea of me. I don't know if he misses me or if he misses all of the things I did for him; all of the things we did together.

Because believe it or not, I treated him well.

before | after