Tuesday, May 14, 2002 | 7:47 p.m.
(James Curtis is Andrew's brother.)

I went and saw their mom today, she's an instructor at my school. Keeping in touch with her and talking about the guys makes keeps me from missing them so damned much. She told me some shitty news about James. He called me yesterday but my cell wasn't working so I didn't get the call, I just got the message this morning. I've tried to call back but they don't have answering machines and no one has answered. I really feel like I need to talk to him now because of what his mom told me.

I wanted to talk to Andrew, too, just about James Carmichael and a lot of other things going through my head right now, but he's busy. Go figure. He's home from the marines, I should know better than to think he'd be at my beck and call. Too bad we don't have the same friends like we used to back in the day - now his parents live 25 miles away from me.

I have a sociology final tomorrow, and I have to go to court for my DWI. I am not excited, and I have a terrible feeling that I paid big bucks for a lawyer that isn't going to do shit. I think it's going to be the same verdict as if I had represented myself, which would have been about three grand cheaper. We'll see, though.

I always thought finals week was hell just because, and now it's hell with shit going on. I fuckin hate this week.

My mom wanted me to go out to eat to "celebrate the end of the semester" so I agreed to go with her, only because if I didn't, I'd feel bad about yet another thing. So, we went, and I fought tears the whole time. What's wrong with me lately?

Dana is aggrivating the shit out of me, mainly because she's not nearly the friend I thought she was. The last time we spent any time together was when she said she was going to go to Ryan's party with me. She came over, showered and got ready, and then started feeling "sick" - she left the party five minutes after we got there and went to meet up with some fuckin loser guy she had met that fuckin day... your "best friend" isn't supposed to dump you for some guy she met that day, now is she? the only reason I didn't care was because I got completly loaded that night and didn't know who was there and who wasn't. That was two weekends ago. Last Friday, we said we were going to go out with Andrew and some of his Central friends. She worked until 8:30, and said she'd call me, but guess what? she never did, go figure. But was I surprised? No, not at all. I didn't even feel like going out Friday anyway - I had so much school stuff to catch up on before finals. Typical Dana would call Saturday, anyway, just to make up some excuse why she didn't call to go out, but she didn't. I called her when I was going to get my tongue pierced and she was on the river. "I'll call you when I get home, are you going out tonight??" -- but no, i wasn't going to go out, miserable as I was staying home, I had two finals on Monday and I wanted to be able to sleep late, for once, on Sunday. So when I said I wasn't going out, did she bother to call me? course not. -- And that's just the thing, I don't care, it's not like my feelings are hurt or anything.. nothing like that. It's just pathetic, to me, that my closest friend will hang out w/me when things are on the up and not down - that she doesn't have a damned clue what goes on with me day to day, and it's not that I don't think she doesn't CARE, it's that I don't think she's DEEP enough to care. Isn't that a terrible thing to feel? But in all honesty, that's how it is. Sad, huh? That my closest friend, my soon-to-be-roommate is so shallow, and I KNOW this, but there aren't any other people that I'm close to anymore.

When I dated Dustin, I severed all friendships, and when we broke up, I started hanging out with Dana again. Didn't I know all through highschool that she was just a fun-time friend? and this is where I am now, she is my closest friend whether I like it or not, and she's what I have.

I could cry and cry and cry to her, and she'd say "atleast so-and-so thinks you're hot!!"

yeah, okay, I don't give a fuck.

That's the last thing that I'd care about, but of course, that's where her mind would be. And then it would be, "Yeah, my week sucks too, my mom and I got in a fight about my room being messy, and after my dad came home, she wouldn't talk to me" -- As easy as her life is, or seems, I'd never trade mine for hers. I'd rather suffer and love and feel and hurt and cry and then heal than worry about a broken nail and not have any empathy for mankind.

I know this sounds harsh, but God, it's so true.

frustration!!!!

Laura

"you could have it all, my empire of dirt"

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006