i'm naked inside my fear

December 25, 2004 | 1:43 am
it's christmas day. sure doesn't feel like it. ryan let me open my gloves and socks last night because i needed some warm socks and gloves. and my family is split up (brother in jail, sister in another state, not going to visit dad) and i guess i just feel funny being home and not having any company. i wanted ryan to spend the night tonight but then i thought it might be better for both of us if he went home and got some quality sleep. neither of us sleep as well when we share a bed, but i think it's mostly the size of the bed. we always stay at his place where there is only a double bed and i can't sleep or he can't sleep because we're squished... and i have a spacious queen but he never stays here, so i don't think he sleeps well when he does, even though he has room to relax.
complicated, i know.
so it's just me and tequila sitting by the fire. we both have rocking chairs with red cushions and she's sprawled out all over hers. she's so easy to please and i wish every day that i'm alive that life could be so simple.
i am steadily going downhill and it's difficult for me because i am still on medication. this is usually the part where i give up because i am so sick of doping myself up every morning and not feeling better. i know i can't, though, this time. i finally feel like i have too much to lose.
there have been so many times when i've just felt like commiting myself and going to stay somewhere, even if just for a couple of weeks, and being taken care of. how easy it is when people feed you your food and make your every decision for you. how easy it is to cope with feeling out of the loop when it is entirely impossible for you to live your life inside a mental hospital. god i know i sound crazy, but it is so easy to be taken care of... as hard as it is to be away from the people who love and support you, it is so easy to retreat to that childhood feeling of safety and sameness and stress-free decision making. i am awake so i will either watch TV or read a book or write a letter or draw a picture. i do not have to face the reality of the outside world because even if i wanted to, i am confined to this "living space" i share with nine other girls, none of which i care to impress or even talk to. there's comfort in solitude and there's ease in knowing that you don't have to make any decisions -- for even if you made them, you'd be following someone else's instructions anyway.
i don't know. i cannot seriously go into treatment again. it is not only unaffordable financially and socially, i would never be able to finish school. but what is more important? these "goals" i have or healing?
and would going into treatment even heal me? it hasn't in the past.
oh well. just thinking aloud.
merry christmas.

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