i'm naked inside my fear

September 28, 2003 | 4:53 am
i want to sleep but i can't.

i have too much on my mind.

i want to go out of state to school this summer. the fall, too. i want so badly to go away.

i want to not work so hard. i want to be able to save some of the money i work so hard for.

it seems impossible - these things i want. i work so hard and pay my bills and treat myself to things i want and i'm left with nothing left to save.

i have this savings account i don't feel comfortable diping into. and i won't.

but in order for me to go out of state, i'd have to pay to transfer (about $200) and i'd be paying my school's tuition (about $2000 a semester) and room and board for summer/fall semesters (apx. 3200, and that's cutting it slim) plus other expenses (car insurance, cell phone, etc. 1500) and you know, i just don't know where $7000 fits into my budget.

and i can't take out a student loan. that's so stupid considering the money i have in the bank. but i can't spend the money in the bank. i just can't.

i could save $2000 if i moved home for the spring semester. it's just so inconvenient to school and work.

really it's not that bad. it's just so inconvenient to my social life. is my mom going to want me coming in at 5am? is she going to worry every time i don't come home? is she going to be okay with the things i do? what will she do when she finds out i work five or six nights a week instead of three like i tell her?

and my apartment - i'll lose that if i leave. it's not like i'll be able to come back and get the same one. i put so much into this apartment. i still hate it, you know, but between painting sessions and shopping for furniture and all that great stuff, i've spent some serious money in this place i hate to call home.

is it worth moving back home for? and what if i get home and i can't stand it?

so i can't sleep. i have a lot on my mind. and it sucks.

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