i'm naked inside my fear

September 08, 2003 | 3:02 am
sometimes i miss jake so much.

the other morning i dreamt of jake and how things were. we just hung out and cut up and enjoyed the company of each other. when my alarm went off, i reached over and turned it off completly. i missed class and ended up having to drop the course.

all for a dream. but dreams are all i have when it comes to jake.

i talked to him the other day at exxon before he went to mandeville to see his cousin and probably fuck her friend. i couldn't stop looking at him, and then i realized that i'd forgotten how he looked in real life and i was memorizing his face. (i used to close my eyes and trace his face with my hands to memorize it without looking at it. i can remember how he feels but not how he looks. but how he feels is more important anyway.) and then suddenly i realized he, too, had been staring at me, for the same amount of time. we probably stood there for 3 minutes staring at each other without saying a word when finally i talked but didn't take my eyes away from his.

he has the most beautiful brown eyes. as a blue eyed person i don't think i had ever appreciated a set of brown eyes before jake's. he always wished he had blue eyes, but i liked them being brown.

it's not that i don't find gabe attractive, or nice, or fun or any of that. it's just that my heart is still with someone else and i don't know that i'll get over jake anytime soon.

so i left the gas station yesterday and i cried. i cried for forgetting his face. i cried for forgetting his eyes, and how he felt to hug. i cried for the time we lost and the pain we've caused each other.

and i cried because i miss jake so much sometimes.

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