i'm naked inside my fear

November 21, 2002 | 10:32 pm
i've decided tonight i'll be sober. tonight marks a week that i've been drunk every night, sick every day, and miserable with my life.

i can finally say it now. blake killed himself. he did, he's gone, and i've got to deal with that and move on.

because i can't deal with this shit anymore. i can't deal with these calls in the middle of the night interrupting my sleep to say another friend is on life support. i can't deal with the news of suicide breaking my every day routine.

and as shallow as it sounds, that's the only way i can say it. i'm only okay when i can predict what's going to happen.

regardless, tonight is a night to be sober. i went to a funeral today (not blake's, i missed that; this was a great-great-aunt) and i almost passed out several times. nostalgia crept in as i thought of james and his sweet smile, and suddenly i warped back six years and actually expected to see him in the casket. after that, i wouldn't go up there.

and the burial site -- i did not do well with the burial site. i walked all the way out there only to find that i couldn't stand and felt nauseated to be close to fresh dirt.

i walked back to the car and listened to natalie merchant until it was over, and from then on, i pretended that nothing happened.

story of my life.

before | after