i'm naked inside my fear

July 4, 200fuckin2 | 5:51 p.m.
hi, coates lab. have you been viewing lately? i really don't mind, honestly. i'm not so freaked out about it anymore.

i've been cleaning all day. cleaned under the fridge - the people who lived there before me were fuckin nasty and the cleaning crew who "cleaned" before i moved in should die because they suck so bad.

i could have puked but decided against it as i didn't want my head to be too close to the toilet. i haven't cleaned that yet.

brian and i talked last night about things that i don't want to mention. it got pretty heavy, and we talked about james and andrya and tim some and i cried and he held me and we fell asleep. it's not very often that i let people see me cry.

i wish i could say i was doing better but i'm not. i almost cried when ryan said something stupid at work the other day. he was just joking, poor guy. i think i made him feel really bad about it, too.

my emotions are all fucked up and i don't even care to fix them. in my spare time i've been cleaning and organizing and ohmygod what am i going to do when i'm all moved in and clean and i'm still confused? drink, i guess.

i've done an unhealthy amount of that lately. it's almost 6:00 and I haven't drank a sip today, although it has crossed my mind. other than that, it's been every day for about two weeks now. i'll be okay.

these lies i tell myself.

love you, morgan!

laura

before | after