i'm naked inside my fear

November 02, 2002 | 4:08 am
i went to sleep around 5am and awoke at 7:45 to the sound of my cell phone ringing.

yes, people call me at 7:45 in the morning.

it was the family center at OLOL reminding me that i was scheduled to see vivian cole at 09:00am.

i thought i was going to die.

after we talked some, i decided that i really am going to like this woman.

i told her a brief history of my clinical depression/hospitalizations/therapists, etc. and then the question came -- "so what do you think is going to be different about this time?"

and i knew the answer. so i will share, as i did with vivian. this admission is one of the hardest i've made.

i give up.

not on life, not on happiness, nothing like that. i give up on the facade; i've hidden enough and i'm ready to move on.

not that i will wear a sign with my disorders. not that i will tell people who need not know.

it's more of an admission to myself. i can't do everything alone. god knows i've spent half of my life being totally dependant and the other half totally independant. and i need an inbetween.

so i told her i wanted to get better. i told her i would be honest and hide none, and that i was walking into this with my hands in the air.

i am turning this over to vivian. i am going to let her help me figure out what the fuck is going on.

and she's sending me to dr. trist. she mentioned several medications he may prescribe. mainly for depression, but she also brought up medicines for bipolar and OCD.

we touched lightly on my eating habits. she asked me how long i had ever gone without eating a thing, and i told her. and i've never told anyone. she asked what my views on the old diagnosis (anorexia) were and how much better i was doing, and i told her about the constant back and forth i face every day.

and she said definatly dr. trist. he specializes in eating disorders at OLOL hospital. "he'll know just the thing," she said, "and he'll take care of you."

and i have decided to be okay with that. the white flag is up and i'm ready for someone else to take care of me.

i went to work from 10:30-05:00 and afterwards straight to Jimmy's where i proceeded to sleep until 09:30pm.

i woke up alone. he went to a friend's party and left me with a note and the phone number. when i called, he and colt picked me up.

two of the guys at the party were playing guitar and i spent the night sitting with them singing along to incubus and nirvana and songs of the good ole days. as exhausted as i was, i had a wonderful time.

and then i came home and he and i spent time with the kitties.

and now it's 4:23am. i feel like i haven't slept in ages.

i talked to out of town boy and he invited me along with his friends tomorrow. i can't go and it's so stupid why. so i guess i won't really see him this weekend. but that's okay, too.

i spent an hour last night talking to a guy (man) who i seemed to have a lot in common with (minus his being a last year vet student) and when i mentioned that i was 19, he said he was 32.

which is four years older than my oldest brother. and jonathan is nine years older than me.

which means he is 13 years older than me.

which sucks.

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