March 11, 2004 | 10:24 pm
i promised i would write more on the talk i had with ryan the other night, and i'm just realizing now that i haven't.

and when better when i have a huge midterm tomorrow morning at 10:30 that i haven't started studying for?

the first time we were together in public after the whole stephanie PA thing we went to the bar where he works. all of his friends looked at me like what the fuck is she doing with him still but i managed. i had decided i was not going to drink, as not only had i not eaten, i was going to "give up" drinking until spring break in attempt to look better in a bikini.

yeah, right.

so we're at this bar and we're talking to friends and a couple people tell me they think i should be with him; i'm doing the right thing.

and of course, this whole ordeal is the last thing that i want on my mind right now. at this point i am emotionally exhausted from the overload this has caused me, and it's only been a week or so. (if that? i can't remember. it may have even been that weekend.)

and he's drinking heavily, but i don't really care. i'm the designated driver. we leave that bar to go bar hopping and end up in only one other place. we decided to go back to his place of business. there are many more people when we return.

and i get a beer, which i shouldn't have, and then another. then i have my third, and i'm feeling drunk already. remember i haven't eaten a thing in about thirty-four hours. i take a shot with my old roommate, heather, and i told her briefly what happened. i felt the sudden urge to cry, and she must have seen it, because her eyes watered up also. i'm standing at the bar ordering my fourth beer and ryan's brother is suddenly right next to me.

and i don't know what made me think i needed his reassurance, except for the fact that he was right there and i was a little bit drunk. i said exactly what was on my mind, which was formed as a question:

"do you think i'm stupid for being with him?"

and his eyes get wide, and he says, "oh, no, no, no. we're going to have to talk. come with me."

and i do, and we go outside and we talk. he tells me that ryan's never before cheated on stephanie and that he loved her very much and wouldn't have given her up for anything or anyone that wasn't very important to him. he goes about saying all of these things, and i'm holding back tears because i'm just that pathetic, and eventually i realize my beer is hot and i'm going to go inside.

where i see ryan, who has, aparently, been searching the place for me.

"we need to talk, can we go outside?"

and i'm thinking, shit, i just did this with your brother. this is so not me; i'm not that girl who goes to bars and has heart-to-hearts with her friends. i don't get drunk and start drama and cause scenes (well, most of the time) and i surely don't spend the majority of the time outside of the bar "talking" about things.

and he says, "we need to stop seeing each other."

which, you know, should have been ME saying that to him, so i'm a little confused. i don't even bother to ask why just yet; maybe i heard him incorrectly?

"what?"

and he goes on about how i don't want the same things he does in life. he asks what i want to do when i finish undergraduate school, and i tell him i want to get a masters in social work and go to law school. i'm even more confused at this point -- are we talking about school? i thought we were talking about a relationship that i shouldn't even be in.

so he says, "exactly" and then goes on to say how i don't want to be married and have children and when i come back from florida he'll be graduating and he'll want me to move with him, but i'll be more interested in my life and my academic career that i won't be able to do that for him. he tells me it's pointless for us to continue seeing each other if we're going different ways in life, etc.

"it's just that i'm falling in love with you and this isn't going to go where i want it to go. i just think it might be easier this way" he says.

and you know, i didn't buy it.

realize, during this talk i am attempting to persuade him to at very least sit in the car with me. i'm not liking that this conversation is happening outside of a bar, especially the bar he manages.

"if you're trying to get off easy, fine. fuck you. i should be the one breaking up with you, but whatever. just tell me the TRUTH. this has nothing to do with a FUTURE. this has to do with you wanting to get off easy." and i said that, in a million different ways, what seemed like a million different times.

but he insisted it was about what he was saying. he continued on, and eventually i got my drunk ass in the car and headed home in tears.

and like a dumb girl, i called him for a recap. i told him he needed to grow up and fucking admit why he was trying to break up with me. i told him i knew from the start that he wanted to be with stephanie and he fucked that up and this was his way of cleaning up his mess -- getting off easy and looking like the good guy with good intentions. i informed him that it was too late for that, and we got off the phone.

and eventually, he called back and asked me to come over and talk.

and boy did we talk. and i let him in on a little secret, which i will now tell the WORLD. well, diaryland, at least.

it's not that i don't WANT those things, it's just that i don't see myself being capable of them. it's not that i don't WANT to be married one day, it's just that i don't see it happening. i don't see myself finding someone who loves me unconditionally; someone who i love in the same way. i don't see myself ever accepting me for who i am, let alone anyone else. if i WAS married, i can't see myself being capable of raising a child. i don't think i could get past my own childish fears and all of MY shit. and, depression, etc. being genetically linked, would i want to put someone through what i've been through? would i want to raise a little girl and have to worry that one day she'll stop eating and i'll have to bring her to the hospital to feed her through a tube? will i be able to give up my selfish things (not money, etc, but my eating disorder, my tendencies) in order to set a good example?

and what if i do it, for a couple years, and then i fail? how would i cope with the need to restrict/purge with a child, or an adolescent around, watching my every move? or a husband, even? who will accept me as i am? and even with change, will i ever be able to escape what i have been for the past eight years?

and i know, you can say i'm young. you can say i'll change my mind and i'll mature and whatever else is supposed to happen. but the fact of the matter is, i started young. i started EVERYTHING young. i've been there and done it and gotten through it. some of the things i've overcome are amazing for me to even think of.

and if i can do all that, why can't i start to love myself? why have i hated my body and my life for eight years? how is it possible that those feelings i had when i was 13 still haven't gone away, and i'm almost 21?

so, we talked. i asked him some of these questions, knowing he wouldn't have the answers. we both cried (again) and he held me and we went to sleep.

and that brings us to now. i still don't know what's going on.

but i do know i need to shutup and study for this fucking exam tomorrow.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006