i'm naked inside my fear

August 02, 2004 | 12:32 am
my going away party (the hawaiian luau) has just ended.

i guess i'm going away.

it was nice - some people from work, some from my childhood and high school years, and some from college. my brother and his wife came and ryan's parents both came. people actually dressed up, and had fun with it too. ryan wore a grass skirt. the guys actually wore hawaiian shirts and drawstring khaki shorts. i didn't even pull teeth to get them into costume.

i didn't expect gifts, but i got some anyway. people ended up in the pool. the keg floated and the party punch was emptied. all i have left is half of a bottle of crown and a few cupcakes.

i never thought a party would be so much work. i've literally been hostessing since 2pm and the party didn't start until 6:00.

and since when did people show up at the time on the invitation? seriously!

so here i am, awake, as usual. for those of you that have kept reading (although i never write), thank you. for those of you that think recovery is easy (or even constant) -- you're wrong. and just because i haven't been writing doesn't mean i haven't had anything to say. if anything, it means that the things i have to say just aren't things i want to remember myself thinking at this point in my life.

since when did "recovery" and not feeling depressed turn into feeling like shit most of the time (just not-THAT-shitty-feeling-like-shit)?

maybe i'm stupid. i just thought when i quit feeling like my life was meaningless i would start to find happiness. i have not seen it yet.

but still i wait. and wait and wait and wait. maybe i will find it at the beach. maybe i'll find it somewhere else. maybe i'll never find it.

the difference in now and before is that i'm trying. instead of accepting it, i'm trying to find something better.

wish me luck. i might need it.

thanks for reading.

before | after