i'm naked inside my fear

June 28, 2004 | 9:53 pm
my apologies for not having updated in so long. a lot has happened, but i can't seem to make it come out as words.

this is something i wrote for this diary when i was at ryan's house, and it's more than a week old now. anyway, here it is:

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9:30pm 6/20/04

i spent the day with ryan and his brother sean and their father for father's day. i didn't plan on calling my own father. ryan's dad asked me if i had spent time at my father's house earlier in the morning and i couldn't reply. i ended up stumbling over some words about not speaking to my father. it's true, though. we don't speak. i haven't seen him since july 18, 2003, and even at that time it had been quite a while. i haven't spoken to him on the phone since that day when i called him to get directions. i didn't even know how to get to his house.

i've had a birthday (an important one, i might add; 21 years old) and christmas since july 18, 2003. no contact. i haven't gotten a card in the mail or a call, heaven forbid a visit! nothing. this is the man that didn't attend my high school graduation. sometimes i can pretend i never had a father.

it's hard to pretend, though. "don't give 100%, give 110%!!" and "why are you crying? get back up there and do it again!" are things that are stuck in my head. his constant pressure to be perfect. it was too hard to be perfect, so i gave up. it was too stressful.

don't get me wrong, though. i am well aware i am worth less because i cannot give my 110%. i am well aware that most people are better than me in several ways.

so i've lived my life this way. don't fall off and it won't hurt as much. i've held on to boyfriends, friends, and even drugs that have hurt me. i stuck around and tried to make sense of it when there was none to be made. all the while i was thinking, "this hurts, but the pain of letting go is lesser..."

lesser than what? i still can't figure it out. than not being "popular"? than not being liked? than having someone who dislikes me, even hates me? than having an enemy?

the day i realized none of the above matters was the day i felt liberated for the very first time. my life had made a turn for the better that day.

but one thing i still hold onto, upside down, hanging on for my life is watching TV tonight in a small house with his mother. he's a father, but he has had no visitors today. in fact, he only had one phone call, and it wasn't even until 9:05pm.

and it was mine.

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