December 03, 2003 | 4:20 am
i find the holidays very depressing.

for one, i'm never where i want to be. I don't have the job that i want, i don't have the body i want, i don't have the relationship or friends or family that i want.

holidays just magnify the things that i don't have that i want, and even the things that i do have.

i should be thankful that i make enough money to support myself and all of my stupid habits. i should be thankful that i have a warm apartment to call home and clothes on my back. i should be thankful that there are people who love and adore me, even if it's just because they don't know better. i should be thankful that i have boys that long for my attention and call me for dates.

i'm just not. and i'm not bitching because i have this wonderful fucking life and i'm not happy with it. don't call me another paris hilton - someone who has it all and acts like a big baby. i'm not quite there.

i want a boyfriend that loves me for who i am and gives me space. i want to be able to sit up awake for hours with him and talk about things we aspire to do and things we've done in the past. i want to live in a city where i can go to a bar and not run into people i know, and i want to live on the beach. i want to have a beautifully toned 105lb. body and i want my hair to grow long. i want to be able to run 10 miles without passing out, and i want to bench press my body weight. i want a family that is close and can enjoy a meal without an ackward silence.

these things are unattainable.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006