i'm naked inside my fear

December 02, 2002 | 12:28 am
i have a date wednesday.

i don't necessarily know how to deal with this one.

you see, before i realized that i had a thing for him, i threw boys around like little toys. i didn't care if i went out with one boy one night of the weekend and another boy the next. i didn't care if they know each other, or if they were friends, or if they found out. i didn't care when i was with one boy at a bar and we ran into another i was seeing. i didn't care if i went one place with a date and left with another. i didn't care who was hurt and empty as long as it wasn't me.

and i met him. he was nothing special, just a boy. just some boy, and for whatever reason i liked him for him. i wasn't interested in the way he looked or how much money he had or what school he went to. he didn't have to go to rhodes like scott or drive a bmw like brent or be as popular as dustin johnson. it wasn't about outside things, or physical things; it was about him. i liked him for who he was and he made me forget about all of the other bullshit boys. my feelings for him scared the shit out of me (and, OBVIOUSLY him) and i dropped it all.

and don't get me wrong. i don't feel like i lost a lot for him. it wasn't that anything i had was worth holding on to. see, five wrong boys don't equal one who feels right.

but he wasn't right, and as the season changed, so did our pseudo relationship. for the first time in a long time, i felt lonely. i didn't have lancedrewclintjoemike to take up my time and i was ALONE.

and now, although alone, i was intelligent enough to see that none of them made me full. why would it take so many boys to fill one person? what i realized was that i was only slightly distracted and now that i was coming to this realization, i could never go back to any of them. things would never be the same.

since then i've looked for something different. i've avoided the boys that want to spoil me, the ones with good looks. i've stayed away from the ones with the big groups of friends and nice cars.

actually, i think it's safe to say i've stayed away from boys in general.

not that i haven't flirted, not that i haven't talked to boys.

i've just kept my distance.

but not with this boy. his honesty is what's gotten him through. i'm scared, yeah, but something about him really draws me to him.

i just hope things fall into place with me before anything gets serious.

before | after