i'm naked inside my fear

October 23, 2002 | 10:30 am
i'm at work. e barton conradi (ebc). as tired as i am, i am usually okay after about four cups of coffee. the way i see it, i'm not going to grow anymore anyway, so i'm not that upset that coffee stunts growth.

there are many things i should be doing right now, but i am so easily distracted when i'm sleepy that i'll do anything but the work i have in front of me.

really i'm like this all the time, but i'm trying to act like it's only when i'm sleepy. but whatever.

i have a crush on an out of town boy.

why, though? i know the second he looks at me i'll forget he exists. i don't do these things on purpose, that's just how i am. or, how i've become.

but come to think of it, i was like that before Dustin also. he asked me out time and again for a year until i finally spent some time with him.

and it wasn't that i didn't like him, or that i wasn't attracted to him. i knew close to everything about him. and it wasn't that i like "the game" because god and i both know that i don't.

i just didn't trust him.

trust isn't something i put in many people/things, and when i do it's a big deal. i only trust those things that i can predict the outcome of. i like to know what to expect.

maybe that's why i hate dating so much.

so i've come to the conclusion that i am no longer dating and that's going to be okay with everyone. i don't have the time/patience/heart for all of the nonsense.

I say this now, but soon enough the out-of-town boy will be in-town-for-now-boy and i'll be all dazzled again.

i'm getting haircut/lowlights tomorrow at 5pm.

I'm going to see Vivian Cole Friday.

before | after