i'm naked inside my fear

September 28, 2002 | 12:14 am
This is why I get all teary-eyed and want to rip my bleeding heart out when the boy tells me how he feels about me.

To Whom I Will Not Name:

List the qualities you see in me, tell me how "real" I am to you, how I make you happy and sad and excited and how all you want to do is be with me.

Because I surely can tell you a few things about that.

#1. I will ruin your life. I will; that's not necessarily my intentions, but let me under your skin, and I WILL. That's just the way it is.

#2. I am not real to you. I'm just the closest thing you've seen. You think I speak my mind to you, but you know NOTHING about me. You know what -I- choose to tell you and you think that glimpse of my life brings you close to me. You have NO idea.

#3. You will not by any circumstances become close to me. This is something that is rare (and almost impossible) and the requirements are two or more of the following: must be unavailable to me; must treat me miserably; must shelve me for when you're ready; must have ex-girlfriend somewhere in picture for fun; must send me on up-and-down rollercoaster. These are the boys I like; these are the people I let get close to my heart. Why? so I can get hurt again.

#4. I -am- fake. Not to everyone, but to you. You haven't caught me at a bad time, haven't seen me throw a fit, haven't seen me on the floor in tears. You see me happy with my friends but don't smell the liquor on my breath that brings me that happiness. I have no intentions of ever letting you meet me, so don't try. Your life is too simple to get all fucked up with mine.

#5. I don't believe these things you tell me about myself, nor do I plan on seeing them in the near future. I don't need you to "boost my self confidence" because I like it where it is. And until you can convince me of these things (and I won't let you), I won't believe a word of it. I honestly have no desire to believe a word of it.

I'm fine the way things are.

and... #6. I don't need you and don't want to need you.

My advice for this boy is to stay in apartment #7 and mind his own business.

thankyouverymuch.

P.S. I only flirt with you to get your attention. Sorry.

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