i'm naked inside my fear

September 25, 2002 | 4:16 pm
today is yet another day when I have so much to say that I can't say it logically. Or, maybe I don't think logically, and that's my problem. I'm trying.

The emotions started overflowing yesterday. I think this is what it started with.

Mackie invited Michael and I to watch a movie with him and a friend, and I declined. (I told Michael that I had to study, and then told Mackie the truth -- just that I wasn't in the mood to hang out with Michael.) so. I proceeded to go to the store and buy hurricane supplies (more just for fun than anything -- if we got hit I'd already have candles and such, and the only food I bought was frozen, so it wouldn't do very much for me if I lost power) and while purchasing said items, my phone rings. I answer -- Mackie. "where are you? when are you coming over? we're waiting for you" but wait, I say; I was sure I had specifically told each of these boys I would not be attending. In reality, this was just Mackie's "sly" way of bringing up the subject of Michael and Laura.

Which should not even be considered a subject, and in most cultures, is not.

Point being, he brought up some things Michael had said in a conversation earlier that evening, one of which being about the night Michael and I met.

This boy had a list of good qualities he saw in me. A fucking list. As flattered as I was, that's not what made me emotional.

I don't see one of those things in myself. Not a fucking one. When he said "nice" I thought "fake" -- etc. And finally Mackie says, "he's infatuated with you" and I (sarcastically) said, "really? what makes you think that??" and Mackie said "he told me he thinks you're fuckin beautiful. Just fuckin beautiful" and that was it. I got off the phone, checked out, and cried the whole way home in my car.

Why is it that someone can say I'm beautiful and it makes me cry? (when i got home I avoided Michael and haven't seen him today and don't know when I'll see him again and don't really care either)

Secondly -- the note.

Two reasons this bothers me. One: someone who's never met me, doesn't know me, won't ever see me "around", and has nothing to do with me whatsoever, wrote me a note explaining me perfectly. And why? he could have kept his comments to himself. He could have stumbled upon this page and read it and thought, "stupid girl with problems" and moved on. I guess what I'm getting at is that someone who doesn't know me is offering me more than all of the people that do combined. For this I am grateful. The second thing that bothered me was the realization of the truth in his words, and then the discovery that nothing matters to me. I spent so much time trying to keep myself from being hurt that I've become numb to the people around me -- almost too numb. When things don't work out, I say "fuck it" and move on, and all too often that's what hurts me the most. I spent so much time conditioning myself to not feel for or believe in anyone that finally it worked.

This is not the way I wanted things to be. It is my fault, yes, but it was taken too far. I finally saw this today when a friend reached out to me and I ran away.

I don't know if it's that I don't need anyone or that I don't think I deserve anyone. There used to be a clear difference, and now even that is gray.

I don't care who I hurt in my destructive path because I don't love anyone. How many times have I heard, "you can't love anyone else until you love yourself"? So I've come to the conclusion that I just don't love anyone at all. And I'm okay with that.

I'm going through the motions but it's wearing me down.

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15:49:42 - 205-170-10-149.student.coloradocollege.edu

mel, I know you're my big sister, and you love me so much and you're worried. but please let me do this one on my own, and if you need to talk to anyone about it, talk to me first. okay?

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