i'm naked inside my fear

June 09, 2004 | 5:45 pm
it seems i may lock my diary for a while now. oh well. good things only last so long anyway.

ryan and i have spent amazing amounts of time lately. i might sleep at my house tonight, for the first time in two weeks. i'd like to. i think he needs to get some good sleep and he's working tonight and i want to lay out and tan at my pool tomorrow.

so. i'm probably sleeping here tonight. plus my kitty tequila misses me.

i've been trying to take trips home to play with her, you know, but sometimes she's catnapping and i just love and adore her so much i don't want to wake her just to let her know mommy's home.

dr. sura told me i would be on medication for depression for the rest of my life. he said, "laura, look at your chart. it started in 1996, when i first saw you, when you wanted to kill yourself." and i wanted to say, "yeah, i see it, and it really sucks." but instead, my eyes welled up with tears but i kept them in.

i've done quite a bit of that lately, it seems. keeping it in.

i find it difficult to express my emotions lately, when i actually do have them. i'll be listening to a slow song on the radio and tear up for no aparent reason and instead of laughing it off i'll break into a full out cry... only because i don't know when the next time i'll have enough emotion to cry. sadly, i feel emotions only when drunk and have sought alcohol too much recently in order to feel. this will not become a habit. i stayed home saturday night and i am staying home tonight.

my entries are terrible lately. i can't write what's in my mind.

i'm not sure if anything is in my mind, or if it's even my mind, for that matter. i don't feel like me anymore.

has anyone noticed?

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