i'm naked inside my fear

March 25, 2004 | 2:31 pm
she asked me about trust. she asked, "do you find you have a difficult time trusting people?"

and i replied a strong, "yes."

"why do you think that is?"

at first i said, "i don't know. it's not like anything HAPPENED." and i started to choke up.

and then i told her. everything i love goes away. people die and others move on. why invest time into something that will end?

of course, i do not see this as logical. i am much smarter than to think this is always the case, or to miss the point of forming relationships, etc. in fact, i have formed many relationships. still, though, i have trust issues.

she said, "i can see how someone like you who has suffered so many losses could have a problem trusting people." and she told me that thirteen-year-old girl was still inside of me, screaming at me, telling me that my close friends die. she said the adult part of me knows this is illogical, but it is still in the back of my mind.

this was not news to me, but it is certainly chilling to have it said to me.

why do we have issues with trust, anyway? i consider myself to be a pretty honest person. i might not do all of the right things, but at very least i acknowledge those things. i am open enough about my wrong doings.

is it easier to trust someone who puts it all out there -- the good and the bad -- than is it to trust someone who you don't know, and perceive to be "honorable"? would it be easier for me to trust people if i knew little about them and lied to myself and said they were probably always worthy of my trust?

the problem lies in what i know about myself. although i do not think everyone is just like me, i know at times my intentions are only the best, and i make mistakes. what keeps others from doing the same?

why should i trust anyone more than i trust myself?

we meet again on tuesday. she would like to see me twice a week. i've agreed.

i've also signed a consent form for her to get copies of my files from the past. that's something i've never done before, but partly because no therapist has asked me to do so.

and she said she'd read my journals, too.

i feel like i might be able to be helped by this woman who is so willing to learn about me. her personal investment, so far, has been tremendous.

i wish i could make that same sort of personal investment... in myself.

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