February 10, 2004 | 12:31 pm
i'm sitting in a lecture about suicide and how to detect signs of depression and other mental disorders in an assessment. it's being led by a social worker with baton rouge crisis intervention center's hotline -- the phone. i'm hearing the signs and all i can think is how easy it is to fake it... the low-risk group.. the normal eating/sleeping/going about every day activities and still holding on to the depression. i seem to have mastered this concept - well, maybe not master, but i've gotten it down pretty well.

schoolgymcleaninghouseeatingsleepingevensocializing but WHY? who am i doing this for? it certainly is not benefiting me in any obvious way. why do i continuously put on the face i do, the mask, the waterproof mascara to keep that "together" look i always try for? i smile when i cry and sometimes i laugh; i play it off with "oh, i'm sorry, i've just had a stressful week" or "i'm sorry, i'm just being stupid" -- apologizing for what? for hating my life? and i say it like my entire fucking life is an overreaction or something and none of this is more than a stressful week.

maybe it is. maybe i'm a joke, and this is a joke, and maybe it's not me -- maybe it's something outside of me that i cannot control.

of course, i know better. it is me. something inside of me won't let me forget that this is my fault. i should have gotten more help when it wasn't so bad. it's so difficult to go for help now, when i haven't seen my therapist in almost a year... maybe ten months? ever since she decided i should be institutionalized for my ED. i couldn't do it, and in fear of her signing me off i quit going to our sessions.

i need to go back. i need to or i will lose my mind.

_______________________

4:43pm

i found i have been recently googled for "laura treppendahl" and upon reading other articles about her and the accident i have learned her one year anniversary was this past saturday. i am planning on sending her parents a card as soon as i feel better.

i hope that is sometime soon. i have far too many things to do to be bedridden, but it seems this depression leads me only to that and that alone. i would sleep all day if i could, maybe waking up to occasionally binge eat. i feel i've become too depressed to purge, so i will see the tremendous weight gain soon.

i await hell.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006