i'm naked inside my fear
the naked truth.


February 25, 2004 | 11:58 pm
i feel so empty.

i know it's not my fault this happened, but i feel this is only what i deserve. and the thing is, i know i don't. i just can't help feeling like i could have done something, anything, to have this happen any other way.

i knew he was lying to me. did i not? even when he reassured me (when i asked) i didn't feel confident in his answers.

and he told me, afterwards, that everytime he lied he knew i knew. he said everytime he said anything that was not truthful, i asked questions.

she called me yesterday. she told me they broke up, but only for a few days, and had been back together. she told me they talked almost every day, and she told me he went to PA to see her this weekend. she asked how i knew him, if i was a friend of kelly's, and if i had dated him in the past.

wow. my breath was taken away. i told her i was a friend of kelly's, but through him. i told her i knew him in high school. i told her i'd been with him for about six weeks. i told her i was with him all of the time. i told her he told me he had broken up with her months ago.

she told me they broke up, but she said it was because they couldn't do the distance thing anymore. she didn't know anything about me when they broke up. she found out afterwards.he lied to both of us. but that's not all... on top of that, he lied to all of his friends, and his family.

because at first, more than i felt betrayed by him, i felt betrayed by our mutual friends. he's known some of these people longer than i have, but i've still considered some of these people friends of mine for quite a while now, some even years. i felt like everyone knew and was lying to me and i couldn't breathe.

i hit rock bottom and i felt so hopeless. i found myself wishing i could end my life because it felt like everything that was going around me was fake. were these people really my friends? if they were, why would they lie to me? how could everyone know and leave me in the dark? and on top of that, how had i deserved such disrespect?

so i called them. it was a very difficult time as yesterday was mardi gras day. most of the people i needed to talk to were polluted with alcohol in new orleans. i was babysitting over night and couldn't leave the house.

i felt so alone, and at that moment, i would have done anything to disappear.

the three people i spoke to seemed more than shocked when i told them he was still seeing her. one girl even tried to convince me that he was actually broken up with her, and that i had gotten it wrong. everyone knew he was in atlanta this weekend.

so slowly, i regained my senses and i could breathe again. i could move about without shaking. i was not lied to by anyone but him, and he lied to all of them.

everyone. even his mother.

as i regained consciousness i decided i would talk to him. it took everything inside of me to call him and ask him to come by after he got off work. so much of me wanted to walk away and not ever speak to him again.

well, i wanted to yell at him and tell him how worthless i thought he was and then walk away. or something like that.

but i didn't, you know, i asked him to stop by and he said he would. sometime around 11ish he came by and we talked.

and i listened to what he had to say, and we hugged. he apologized a million times and we both cried, and then we talked of other things.

he asked me why i was handling it so well and i told him the truth. this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me; it's not even the worst thing that's happening to me right now. i told him with him i had nothing to lose. it hurts to be lied to, and it hurts to be cheated on, but only to some level. as much as i let him hurt me, i did not allow him to do unrepairable damage. i would not allow it. i just have too many walls. i told him of my problems with trust, of my father's suicide attempt and of my constant struggle with my ED. he held me as i told him why i think the way i do, and when i was done, i made sure he knew that nothing he could do to me could be worse than the things i do to myself.

but that doesn't mean i deserved his treatment. that didn't mean he would get off easily. you see, he hurt me. he really did. it just didn't affect me nearly as much because there are so many other things on my plate. i cannot possibly deal with them all, and this problem with his was by far the least important. that does not mean i will easily forgive him. that just means i can't deal with it right now. it will take me some time to be able to even get to that - to deal with it.

so where do we go from here?

i know i shouldn't ever talk to him again. i know i've done my part. but as i've mentioned earlier, his reputation speaks for itself. there are things you can fake, and he could not fake how we were together. i'm stupid for caring about him, or for wanting to give him a chance.

he flew to PA to see her this weekend. i don't know what the fuck i am thinking.

it's just that i have made so many mistakes and i've made it through and i've been granted all the forgiveness in the world. how can i not try to do the same for someone else?

so i spent the day with him, and when we were together, even when we talked about it i could keep my cool. i was with him when he told his mom he lied to her, and when he told his brother. i was in the room when he called his friends and told them he lied about breaking up with her and he told them she and i talked and he told them he wasn't in atlanta.

and i know i'm stupid. i just can't help but think...

i don't even fucking know if i'm thinking. what the hell am i doing?

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006