i'm naked inside my fear
the naked truth.


May 30, 2004 | 12:47 am
ryan's ex-girlfriend stephanie is crazy.

she's called me and assured me that he's been calling her and hanging up. when questioned as to when this event occured, she answered an evening when we were together at a bar in pensacola. seeing as how he didn't even have his cell phone that evening, and he surely didn't use mine, i didn't believe her.

when i told ryan she was contacting me with that shit he felt bad for her. he thought maybe someone was messing with her. it wasn't until a couple nights later when she called me that he believed she had actually lost it. she told me she was going to send me some of the things he gave her while they were together to prove to me that he loved her and not me.

that was the night i said i would stay home and cry.

instead, after crying, i picked myself up and went to ryan's work. we talked and i felt a lot better.

this medicine helps me not reach that extreme anymore, but i'm a little bit worried that i'm not really feeling things that are real. i haven't felt like i've been able to write lately or express my feelings. when ryan and i have conversations, i speak my mind without much emotion. "this makes me feel this way", you know, that kind of stuff, but while i'm saying it i'm not feeling that way; i'm not able to think of something and feel.

basically, i need actions to evoke feeling. and other than when something's going on, i just feel... fine.

i'm not quite sure "fine" is how i'm supposed to feel. i'm bored a lot. i have trouble sleeping. i wake up at 6:00am and can't go back to sleep. i'm getting used to waking up two hours before ryan. i don't have a lot of fun when i go out for drinks anymore. i don't feel so passionate about the things that matter to me.

and i don't know what it is. maybe it will just take some time to adjust, but for now, i feel like i'm living in someone else's body.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006