i'm naked inside my fear
the naked truth.


March 01, 2004 | 8:57 pm
so. it's a new month. so yeah, i did the slim fast thing for one day and i lost control. how is it that just two years ago i lost almost 40 lbs. and was so diseased?

how it is that less than a year ago i dropped fifteen pounds without realizing it?

it seems that when i obsess over my weight i do not lose, i gain. if i WANT to lose i cannot. it's a constant struggle.

i cannot go in a bathingsuit in public anytime soon. we will be leaving on april 3rd for the beach. i will have to be beach ready in one month and two days.

this is the last day i am eating. i can do this.

tomorrow i will use the assistance of aderall. i need it, anyway, because i have two midterms this week. i can't eat shit on it anyway, so i should be okay. if i can fast for two days, i'm fine. the third day hurts, but i am not hungry.

it just seems like if i can get through those initial 48 hours i'm okay. and once i start to notice my clothes fitting loosely, i'm in the clear. as soon as i notice i'm looking better i'm driven.

i just hope i can snap back into it for spring break. eating, i mean. if i'm around so many people and i don't eat a thing, they'll all notice.

ryan will be watching me. he knows. he asks me every day what i've eaten. one day i didn't eat at all, and drank about five drinks in a couple hours and was so trashed. that's when we talked about it.

that's a talk i regret.

and i don't know what i'm doing with him, other than that i'm following my gut. i can't describe how high he makes me feel. i don't think i'm being naive when i say that he does care for me.

i try not to think of it much, but it's difficult to avoid. everyone, by now, knows. his friends ask me about it. they look at me.

the first time we went in public together after this all came out people stared at me. they were so shocked that i was with him.

it made me a little shocked too. that's the night i drank on an empty stomach. and then we talked.

and there will be more on that later. it was just a colorful conversation and i don't feel i could describe it well right now if i tried.

i'm so tired. i can't wait for this week to be over.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006