i'm naked inside my fear

November 11, 2004 | 12:27 am
i feel like i've spent hours in pointless concversations. part of me wonders how much of this is pointless, because i realize that the little things that happen in the past will always come back and haunt you one way or another.
like when he decided he wanted to take care of himself and maybe a couple of friends and make a couple bucks. i had the connection, so i took care of it. i didn't get a cut, you know, because it was a favor. i'm so glad i didn't get a cut. how that would matter now... if i had gotten a cut.
you see, he didn't start any of that until he went to japan with the marines, and ended up in thailand. and suddenly he was home, and he was right there, and i had a brother again. suddenly i had someone who was close to my age that could understand what i had been through. or so i thought. i guess he didn't get all of it.
and i did drugs, but nothing like what's going on now. i experimented at that time -- nothing heavy really, but of course i wasn't careful. i was so young. i can remember thinking that we were the same age but in reality he was five years older than i was.
and when my boyfriend and i wanted a place to hang out, we hung out with him. and when people i knew from school wanted pot, i gave them his pager number.
this is back in the day when people had pagers for this sort of thing.
so he had a real job, and a girlfriend, and he paid his bills. this was not a big thing he was doing, just something for a little extra cash. and it provided him with all of the pot he wanted without having to go anywhere to get it.
he would ask me questions about things, and i would lend him my knowledge. i told him about the things i had tried and the things i would never do. he listened. we talked about these sort of things.
and i started college, and my friends change, and things changed between us. i quit messing with the things i had messed with, but he still felt close enough to tell me about what he was into.
then he has this girlfriend, you know.. just a girl that he starts bringing around mom and the family. then we find out they're engaged, and then that they're pregnant. they're married at this uber-secret ceremony that none of us are invited to.
but we accept her, and the baby that they give up for adoption. i have a neice and i held her once and then she was gone. i don't even know what state she lives in now. my first neice. but he knew he wouldn't be a good parent, and i knew he wouldn't either. as always, i supported his decision.
and i'm at the grocery store tonight and my mom calls to tell me he's in jail. well, a year or so ago he got caught with a ton of weed in texas, so i figure they finally caught him. he hadn't shown up for court, so okay, he's in jail.
no, she says, he's been shooting drugs and the cops came and raided his house. he's being held for posession of opiates. in jail. addicted. without opiates. addicted. he looks yellow. it. could. be. hepatitis. the cop tells us. and his wife -- her mother took out a life insurance plan on her after visitation at the prison today because her mother thinks she is going to die any day now.
she. might. die.
and if she is that bad off, what about him? what about my brother? so he fucked up, you know, i'm still making mistakes every day. so this was a big one. so okay. but death? wow. he's sick. and i don't know how he is.
her mother finally got her to say my mom's bf's name, and they found my mom's address by searching the reality listings in the past two years for our side of town. my brother didn't want us to know what he was going through.
he thinks no one will understand. but i will. but i cannot tell him. it is impossible for me to get through to him right now, and i am well aware of that fact.
he is so alone. and i feel so alone for him. i can only hope that he can find a safe way to sober up and figure out what's so wrong with his life that he needs to waste it away in a herion high....

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