February 16, 2004 | 8:50 pm
my apologies ahead of time for this entry being long. please read the entire thing as i am begging for advice!

i have decided not to post anything that i wrote to myself yesterday as i cried. the reason not being cencorship but simply that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

all i did was eat and sleep today. i am becoming depressed and i am gaining weight. funny how that works -- i become very depressed and gain, causing me to feel eveb more helpless and i gain some more.

eventually i stop eating all together, and i go through the breaking down process. i long for the strength to do this the right way and try to cut back on calories now and get proper exercise.

so about ryan. without going into all of the details of his life i'll try to paint the picture. for several months (read: 1.5 years) he dated a girl that lives in some city (i don't care to remember where) and they fell in love. they took trips to see each other, etc, and did what they did. whatever.

eventually they broke up. i don't know when exactly, but very recently. very soon before he asked me to go on a date with him and i started seeing him every day. very shortly before like maybe a week? two weeks?

all the while he talked to me like it had been months.

so one night i'm out drinking with some friends and i leave them to go to ryan's place of work (a bar) and see him as he's getting off of work. i get there around 2:00am and he indicates somehow that he will not be leaving for a long time. i wanted to leave (why stick around while he's busy and can't even talk to me?) but he wanted me to take a cab. this angers me (in hindsight, it would have been a wonderful idea) and we argue about it. eventually he gives me his tip jar and asks me to count his tips. i count and recount everything in his jar for him and at the bottom is his cellphone. it starts ringing -- it's the guy with the cab that ryan called for me. i told him and i don't remember if he told me to answer. the second time his phone rang he told me to answer, and i did, but i don't remember who it was.

and i don't know what posessed me to do the next thing i describe, but i did. i think at the time i trusted ryan, so i'm not quite sure what would have led me to look at his text messages. i think at the time there was a motive, whether it be good or bad, but i don't really remember. i don't think i remembered later that night, i was so trashed. all of the ones in his inbox were from me, and i deleted them. then i thought i was in his inbox, but i realized i was not. i was looking at a message that said something along the lines of, "valentines weekend i'm working so i won't be able to come see you but... [i forgot] i love you..." and you know, it wasn't to me, it was to her. so, me being a girl, i did the dramatic thing and put his tips back into his tip jar along with his phone, shoved it to him and left. he followed me out yelling, telling me i was far too drunk to drive (i was) and i left anyway.

the scene was dramatic.

so that's the background, okay?

about two or three weeks ago i emailed ryan asking him if he would be able to go to pensacola with me to look for a job for when i moved. he seemed happy that i asked him and said he would love to go, but that he had a job interview the weekend of feb 27. of course i had long forgotten about this, until this past weekend he mentioned that he would be driving to the airport friday after his test. i offered to take him, and then arranged to, without even thinking that he had told me the wrong dates. then we talked about my bringing him to the airport today, and i don't know, something about him sounded like he felt bad that i was actually going to bring him (it's in new orleans, about an hour and a half from where we live, not to mention there will be mardi gras traffic).

basically, long(er) story short(er), i'm scared that he's flying out to see her. here are my reasons:

1. i know he still talks to her. a few nights ago he told me he had to talk to her because she was crying and i stormed out of his house. he told me that was the last time it would happen, and i have a difficult time believing that.

2. he's interviewing on the weekend? for a civil engineering company at that. it's in atlanta, and he's not coming back until 9pm on sunday night. is that weird? a fri-sun interview? i seem to think it is.

3. when asked about the weirdness, he was vague, saying that he was going to the company with his uncle's friend to "check it out" -- still, on a weekend?

4. he got the dates wrong the first time, would he have pushed back his vacation with his ex-girlfriend to be in town for something here?

but i cannot talk to him. i told him today i couldn't trust him, that i thought he was dicking me around. he comes across as the most honest person in the world, and i don't want to let my personal inseccurities get in the way of what could be a potentially wonderful thing. but how can i not? especially when things look the way they do?

so what should i do? confront him and ask him if he's going to see her? he'll think i'm crazy then. correction: he'll know how crazy i am then. but what if that's the case? how would i handle it if he said yes?

or take him to the airport and let him (possibly) leave my arms for hers? that would only make me the fool. am i the fool?

please leave me notes in my guestbook and share some advice, or drop me an email. please please please. and soon.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006