i'm naked inside my fear

October 05, 2004 | 12:23 pm
i'm at the computer lab in the library so i can't stay on long. this entry will be short.
i'm back in pensacola and i have carpet. this is something i'm happy about. i cleaned the place last night and unpacked everything i'd been using for three weeks. well, almost everything. you know how that goes.
ryan and i left on good terms. i had been afraid that we had not. being september, i had some horrible anniversaries (three, in fact) of friends' deaths and i felt like i was going through it alone. when i would speak up, i would speak in anger. i guess i never really did give him an ample opportunity to be there for me. and of course, i resented him for not being there for me.
i think he felt invaded because i was just bunking in his place for three weeks and i couldn't even go home to my mom's because i don't really have a room there anymore. i couldn't go home to pensacola because i didn't have electricity, and he did want to spend tme with me (especially since i was out of school) -- therein lying another problem -- time. he was working and going to school and i was home cooking and cleaning and ohmygod i don't understand how people can do that as a "career" because it killed me and depressed me all at once. i got tired of waking up in someone else's room alone and falling asleep hours after he did. i felt like most of my time was spent in solitude, but i wasn't at home.
i love my alone time, don't get me wrong. just when i have my own things. i love my alone time with my books and my movies and all that stuff. i was stuck in his world and i didn't have a place.
so i thought i would leave without much of that changing, and i was quite upset about that. all i could think was that i would be stuck in pensacola and not even know how i felt about our relationship and he'd be four hours away.
we worked it out. it took a little arguing and some sweat and tears, but i left feeling wonderful about our relationship and really having a positive view. i feel fortunate that he feels the same way. it's difficult to resent someone you love, especially from 260 miles away.
i've got to go. i think this computer is for library books only. oops.

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