April 12, 2004 | 10:50 pm
so i suppose i should write an entry to brief the situation from spring break. this entry will do the trip no justice as i am sick and sneezing and coughing and will soon head to the boyfriend's house to retire for the night. i'll write something, though, because i fear that if i do not i will forget.

i could not forget the fire, although i am having difficulty remembering the details. it started with being too drunk. that's what i do know.

we met at ryan's around 9:30 and got on the road to panama city for 10:30. somehow, though, we didn't make it there until around 6:00pm. it should have been a six hour drive. we took our time.

i'm not feeling so hot so while the guys are drinking, i'm in the bedroom sleeping. of course, this solitude leads me to feeling depressed. why am i in here by myself? why can't i go out there and have fun? what's wrong with me? and a million other questions go through my head. eventually i fall asleep and ryan and his friends go to some bar to have drinks.

around 9 they come back and i wake up. ryan persuades me to get dressed, so eventually i do and i start drinking with them. we take some video footage. good times are being had.

we hit up a nightclub and drank some more drinks. eventually we decided to go home. by this time, he had been drinking heavily for about eight hours.

so you know, i'm upset because i think he doesn't want to fool around with me, and i'm not using my head. i storm out of the room and i'm on the balcony, and i ask this guy what's wrong with me and why my boyfriend doesn't want to be with me. i'm just being a drunk girl. my mistake.

so he starts going on about how he wanted to be with me for so long and how it's hard for him to see me on the trip with ryan and blah blah blah. whatever. when i started getting creeped out (and when i thought about the fact that my boyfriend was missing me tons and probably wanted me back in bed with him and not on the balcony of the condo talking to his friend) i went back in the room to talk to ryan.

i don't even know how long we talked, but we did, and then we smelled smoke. after a few seconds, we'd concluded that it was a smoke bomb. a few seconds later it was a fire. i ran out of the room and brought blankets in and we threw them on the flames.

and when i felt my arm burning i got the hell out of there.

the rest is a blur. there was a lot of yelling. i remember my drunken attempts to jump high enough to rip down the beeping smoke detector. when it was all over, i felt my arm. it hurt. i wanted to go to the hospital and no one would take me. they were trying to convince me it would be okay in the morning. i couldn't stop crying. no one would do anything.

so i took matters into my own hands. i started calling my friend craig in destin to come get me. no answer. i called anyone i could. no answer. it was near five in the morning. i wanted to go home. that's all i wanted to do.

and then i remembered the sleeping pills. dr. fucking trask prescribed them to me months ago when i was suffering from so much anxiety and having flashback nightmares. i hated taking them because i felt so lethargic the entire day afterwards. i don't even know why i had them with me.

but i did, and i decided i would take a handful. i don't know when ryan saw me. i don't know if i told him what i was doing. i don't know how i felt -- did i want to die? did i just want to not feel? did i want to be heard? was i angry? i don't know. i know the questions to ask -- but i was too drunk to remember now. ryan saw me, though, and thank god. otherwise i'd have drugged myself into a coma with how much i'd drank that night. he knocked them out of my hands and they went flying. i begged him to let me take two and he did. we threw the rest (of those that had fallen) down the drain.

so that was night one. i know i said this would be brief, but you've got to understand -- it WAS. the trip did a lot of damage to me, but i think for one reason -- i felt things. it evoked emotion, be it good or bad. i felt. there were times when i didn't feel and it was weird.

you see, i've been so used to feeling numb in bad times, but being with him brought me back up one notch to feeling. i struggled. i cried. i threw up my dinner and i pouted.

and he was there for me, holding my hand, rubbing my tummy so i could keep in my dinner, begging me to stay in bed with him just ten more minutes so i wouldn't lose my lunch.

and if i wasn't completely in love with him before, the things he did for me did it to me.

when i have more time i'll update with some other things.

before | after

miss me?

make a difference - July 12, 2007
in short - February 20, 2007
gameday - October 14, 2006
quickie - October 02, 2006
roxie bear - July 06, 2006